Shrink Rap

Among the most common presenting problems in our practice involving children and teenagers are “behavioral problems.” Certainly no child or teen behaves perfectly and there are degrees of unacceptable, rebellious and disrespectful behaviors. But how much negative behavior should a parent allow? Also, how do such behaviors develop and what can be done about them?

Our job as parents is to raise our children to be able to survive on their own in the world. This means that all our interactions with our children will involve molding and shaping their behaviors, with the intentions of giving them the tools to function successfully and independently some day. We are supposed to give them good values, an education and help them develop a sense of right and wrong. As adults, they will need to rely on their own self-discipline to succeed in the school and in the workplace. This is why disciplining children is so very important – it enables children to have self-discipline as adults.

Disciplining children, setting limits and saying “No” is difficult for many parents. Why is it that so many parents of this generation are unable to say “No?” Parenting styles often are related to our upbringing and our own childhood experiences. Many people who were harshly disciplined and felt controlled and restricted as children, become lenient, overly permissive parents who feel they should never deny their children anything. But living in the real world means knowing that we can’t have everything we want. And the sooner we begin to teach our children that lesson, the better.

Often, after working in therapy with children and their parents, we see that a lack of consistent discipline has been present since the child was very young. Spoiling a child, giving in to their demands and failing to say “No” when appropriate and set limits, leads to disrespectful, angry and increasingly uncontrollable and undesirable behaviors later on. As the child gets older, running away, smoking, promiscuity, verbal or physical fighting with parents and truancy with failing grades are see. The best time to begin molding behavior constructively, disciplining and saying “No” when necessary is when a child is young. But it is never too late to become a stronger, more effective parent and better disciplinarian. Often, some parenting guidance can go far to turn a rebellious child or teenager around. Just remember, it may be very good for your kids if you say “No.”